Here’s some stuff that has made me happy this week:

1) iPhone

I have one. And it’s good. I’ve only been caught kissing it twice. And for one of those, I was able to convince the person that it was lip-recognition security. The other time, the guy who caught me was like, “get a room!” Ha. Little does he know, we already did. For two nights.

2) Penn State football

Yes, I’d be happier if they hadn’t lost to Iowa two weeks ago (Nobo, J, and family, I can’t help but feel that you guys are somehow responsible). But still, they’re the Big Ten champs and they’re going to the Rose Bowl. And they beat Ohio State this year. Boo ya.

3) Pie

My boy and I made a pumpkin pie together today. I’m not gonna say it was my best effort, but it was fun, and it tastes good - just not great. I’m getting pie-snobbish enough now that I kind of don’t like the frozen crusts that I had gotten so comfortable using. Next time, I figure I’ll try again to make my own crust.

4) Teeth and a mature digestive system

Because that stuff that babies eat, it looks nasty.

5) My daughter and her genius

Not yet seven months old, and she’s already politely greeting her father. At least, that’s what I hear:

- This blog received its 600th comment on the last post, by Lauren.  Congratulations, Lauren!  This has been a pretty big six-week stretch for you.  You get married, go on your honeymoon, move into a new apartment, and get the 600th comment on suburbanjuggernaut.com.  (What’s more amazing is that she did it with no internet access.  That, my friends, is dedication.)  If I were you Lauren, I’d pick up a lottery ticket.  Pick one up for me, too, while you’re at it.

- I just said “my friends.”  Then I proceeded to beat myself up, because I said I was going to snap next time I heard someone say that.

- I had written up what I had hoped to be my one and only political post sometime last week.  I’ve rewritten it a few times, but each time it ends up being approximately 355,000 words long.  And I’m respectful enough to know that if I’m going to waste that much of your time, it better be for an entertaining reason - something like the final installment of The Chase (remember that?).  But this political post?  Not that entertaining.  So I’m working on condensing it.  Not that I think you’re dying to know my political stance, but I’ve found myself saying bits and pieces of stuff in comments on various people’s blogs, and I have never really tried to say why I think the way I do about things.  Maybe it’s more for me than for you.  In fact, when I do get around to writing it, I may ask you to close your eyes for that post.

- The girl will be six months old this week.  That totally blows my mind, in like a “these kids haven’t done me in yet?” kind of way.  Maybe I’ll post about that soon, too.  Fatherhood the second time around has just been an entirely different experience.  I’d bet I can make it sappy enough to make someone cry.  (Yeah, I’m looking at you, Jon.)

- At your local grocery store, convenience store, or snackery (I think I made that word up), do they sell big bags of “Sweet & Salty Caramel Bugles”?  Because if so, I may have to work something out with you where you ship them to me.  I can only find them in a vending machine here, and it’s the tiniest bag. AND they charge $1 for it, in spite of its size.  I don’t know much about illegal drug trade, but from what I do know, I’m pretty sure that General Mills used that as their sales model for this product.  Keep supply tight, so that you can charge high prices for a small amount of a high-demand product.

** For the record, I don’t curse at or in front of my kids. Or in front of my wife, or my co-workers. I mostly curse to myself. **

(Inspired by GraphJam.)

Last weekend, I was up in Canada for a golf tournament (I came in 2nd place AND won the long drive competition). In spite of the bugs and persistent rain, it was a pretty good day.

Me: What course are we playing, again?
Dad: Niagara Falls Golf Club.
Me: Where is it?
Dad: Not far past the border. Up 420, then… uh, it’s just past The Sundowner.
Me: HOLY CRAP DAD, did you just reference the location based on its proximity to a strip club?!? When speaking to your youngest child?
Dad: Well, do you know where it is now?
Me: …Well yes, but not because I’ve ever been there.

[For the record, I really have never been there. I doubt my dad has either, which made it all the more surprising.]

Anyway, as I was masterfully playing my way around the Niagara Falls Golf Club, I kept noticing weird signs all over the place. I was only able to get a couple of pictures with my cell phone, so you’ll just have to trust me that there were even more weird signs all over the place than what I’m about to show you. Trust me.

Exhibit A, just before the first tee:

I was told after the fact that this is a common old-English way to write the word “today,” with a hyphen. I had never seen it before. And when combined with the hyphenated “Thank-you,” I just figured they were a little hyphen-crazy. Which was also evident in Exhibit B:

Again, I’m not sure there is anything necessarily wrong with this, but I’ve never seen anyone hyphenate “thank you.”

And finally, a two-for-one in Exhibit C:

In fact, make that a three-for-one. First, there’s another “thank-you.” Second, “repair ball marks & one other.” What? Maybe I was over-analyzing, but I didn’t get what this sign was trying to say. My dad (and later, the wife) figured that they just meant to repair ball marks that you make, and then as a gesture of good golf etiquette, repair one other one, also. Why not just “Repair all ball marks” then? They don’t want to burden us? I don’t know. I’m still not convinced I understand what they were trying to say.

And third, “YOU SHOULD BE HERE” (note that the word “here” was more clear on other signs, but due to the rain, I didn’t try to re-take the picture). It looks like the “thank-you in advance” sign might be covering up some other essential information that would help me understand. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if I’m there reading the sign, aren’t I already “here”? And if I’m not there, I can’t read the sign, and I wouldn’t have any way to know that I should be there.

I’ve got answers.

How many national anthems does [your son] know? - Almost as many as his dad does. I know the American, Canadian, and Guyanese anthems. He only knows part of the Guyanese anthem.

Do you guys sing patriotic songs at home a lot? - We sing everything at home a lot. But yes, he does like things about America, so we do sing patriotic songs a bit.

WHY does [your son] know the canadian national anthem? - Well, because he asked. We told him about how the Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for America. So then he asked about the national anthem of Canada. I know it from several years of going to hockey games. I think he’s asked about the anthem of Mexico also, but I don’t know that one. If there are any Mexicans (or Mexican expatriates) who read this blog…

anticipated follow-up question
Why Canada and Mexico? - Because they appear on most US maps that we have.

Have you seen Napoleon Dynamite yet? - No.

How’s the weather up there? - Based on what StatCounter says, you’re more northern than I am! But since you asked, we’ve been experiencing some lovely fall weather for the past three weeks or so. The only problem with that is that it’s STILL SUMMER.

How come some states don’t allow for giveaways (like when it says “Except where prohibited”)? - I’m sure there are some legal reasons, but I’m convinced it’s because the contest coordinators have ex girlfriends/boyfriends who live in those states, and they want to stick it to ‘em.

How come my dog won’t pose for my pictures no more? - Though I’ve never had a dog, I actually know the answer to this one. It’s because he’s mad that you made him wear a bandana.

What’s up with Nicolas Cage hair? - I haven’t seen it lately, but men with receding hairlines often make desperate moves.

Did I miss any? Let me know, I’ll get a new list going.